College Forum: Jillian Louie

The one thing they won't tell you is how behind you're going to feel.

However much you study, however much you decide to change your personality and make yourself agreeable, you might never stop feeling out-of-their-loop. It's the most surreal experience, something I like to call the curse of the POC.

When you, a young person of color, are thrust into an environment populated entirely by incredibly smart and articulate white people, you're slowly going to start to believe that they're better than you. (Especially if they had History tutors and you had History Youtube, and you're lost however many notes you take.) Even as someone who loved History and English to the point of middle school nerd-dom, I couldn't keep up.

Could it have been my fault?

Possibly. I could blame it on the anxiety, or the depression, or even the fact that I willingly morphed. I could blame it on the fact that for some reason, I was drawn to surrounding myself with white friends instead of seeking out the scattered POC. I could even blame it on the fact that I was in culture-shock, from a relatively diverse school to one where maybe two people could understand my native language, nevertheless speak it back. I admit: The very first thing I did when I got to high school was to give myself a whiter nickname. Something less like Wing Yee and more like Jay. The second thing I did was align myself with a white girl, and further on in the year, a white friend group.

But before we proceed, I also want to express that as an Asian-American woman, I was able to sit under the umbrella of whiteness for an incredibly long time. I was able to mesh so seamlessly with white culture due to my personality type-- Due to white people not seeing me as a "threatening" person of color. For me, meshing ruined my self-image and completely drained me of all my self-respect. However, meshing was still a choice. I could have survived those four years without it, and gotten into a good college for something I wanted to do. For others, especially BIPOC, not meshing, not code-switching and not knowing how to "properly" interact with interviewers and college advisors could unfairly derail even the smartest student. That is a HUGE, systemic issue that is rooted in the segregation of elite schools and the distribution of resources.

So with that being said, here are some things they won't prepare you for, and further than that, here are some things they won't ever want to talk about.

1) Behind closed doors, you will very rarely be treated as equal. Every white person there is just as smart as you, but they don't think you deserve the spot. They just want you to know that they can skate by on the seat of their pants, cheating off you for four years, and you'll still rank lower than them, or be seen as a worse student.
2) You'll never get used to the indifference they use when discussing POC countries and POC problems. Genocides are nothing compared to the perils of Shake Shack being moved down two streets and an avenue.
3) You won't be prepared for your first racist joke, and you won't be prepared for the next one, or the one after that. Once you get comfortable, brace for the offhand racist comment. And watch them get butthurt if you mention it. Even your closest white friends will tell you you're too sensitive to racial injustice, and unfortunately, they'll mean it.
4) The first time your white friends see you out of a white environment, where you no longer exist in perfect grammar and Brandy Melville, they will express that they never knew you had this side. Depending on whether or not they have previously asked to be introduced to your culture, their tone can range from disdain to awe. I've noticed that awe is the worst.
5) Being in this environment without POC/BIPOC friends will be difficult, and being in a space where the people around you do not understand or even sympathise with your struggles will be even harder. While your issues are immigrant parent related, your friends might be busier talking about their love lives. While you might be financially struggling, your friends might be more worried about their cancelled island trip. Personally, I found myself in a place where I put my problems aside to work on others because I saw them as simpler, thus easier to fix. Number one rule: Yourself first. Take care of yourself first, though it might be harder. Though it might take more time, I promise you're always going to be worth it.

So here are my final statements: they will get uncomfortable when you don't fit their ideal image of a person of color. They might try to change you. They'll get uncomfortable when you talk about race, and they'll get uncomfortable when you don't. They'll avoid laughing at your jokes about race but won't hesitate to laugh at one of their own. They might make you feel lesser, or external. But keep this in mind: You're just as smart as them. You're just as capable. If they get uncomfortable when you speak out about race, just talk louder. If they don't believe in you, believe in yourself. <3